It's been quite a while since i have blogged, mostly because of a time factor with too many things going on in my life. My life is like a loose grenade and i never know what is going to happen next. To put things in a nutshell and with as few details as possible, this is what has gone on the last year:
My 85 year old Mother who has althzeimer's disease and is bedfast lives with me and i am her caregiver. (This is enough without going further!)
My marriage of 23 years has fallen apart and i am separated, on the verge of divorce. By the way, he is an alcoholic (but won't admit that but WILL admit he has an 'issue' with alcohol) and his friends in the bar are more important than his family.
I began working a full time job last year in order to help with finances...but because of all the things going on in my life, had to quit so i could take care of ME and my family.
I have the burden of my mother's estate and her run down rental properties which i cannot sell because my adopted brother has his name on everything along with hers. This is the same brother that drained my mother of all her money when she lived with him and he was 'caring' for her. I am now in the process of legal advice to try to get things turned around for her.
Two months ago, an elderly woman (who my daughter and i were helping to find her lost cat) wandered onto my mother's property, next door to me, and fell into the drained pool and drowned in about 3 feet of water. I found this out by waking to the Indianapolis news channel teams outside my house as they camped for hours to cover the 'story'.
Last month my father died of stage 4 cancer and even though i did not grow up with him, he was a prominent and stable father figure in my life. I was devistated. But at the same time, when i went to the services in NJ, i also met a huge italian family i had never really known i was a member of. A real mixed bag of emotions for me. Still is.
My youngest daughter is 16 and is having a tough time with alot of things right now (mostly with my husband and i), but also combined with normal 16 year old stuff. I try hard but am not sure how to help her and i am mad/frustrated/angry that my husband barely comes to the house to see ANY of my girls. I have two older girls as well, 19 and 20, both in college and home for the summer. They seem to be handling things as well as they can. Happily, my separation has brought me much closer to one of the girls and we are able to talk quite openly and honestly. My other daughter just stays neutral and closed mouth about things, which is fine. We all deal differently.
I have alot of worries about the future. I am not too proud to say this whole 'being single' thing scares me. I don't want to be alone and i want someone to love me the way i deserve to be loved. I know i have alot to offer and should not have to 'sell myself' in order for anyone to WANT to be with me. Nor should i be #2 in anyone's life....again.
The other things are very minor compared to the above. Recently my doctor couldn't understand how i was 'hanging in there'. I guess i can't either. I take it one day at a time and try to keep a sense of humor about me. I spend time outside and no longer look past the flowers and trees, but notice the shades of color and the way the leaves are shaped. Sometimes all the crap and fucked up things can somehow make a person appreciate the smallest things that were once overlooked.
So, folks, I'm still cooking and trying to enjoy as much as i can, when i can, and however i can....while dealing with all of the above. I've been thrown off the horse for a while now....but i'm back in the saddle and i'll be writing more blogs and food stories. Get ready for some good cooking!
Remember the little plant that came back from the dead? (See my last blog post, New Beginnings of Hope) Who knew this little guy would be teaching me a bigger lesson...and how ironic is this? This is a picture i took just a few minutes ago. What a survivor. I think...i'm going to be OK.
