Saturday, August 25, 2012

Kayaks, Cooking, and Pancakes...Oh My!



“It is better to travel alone than with a bad companion" ~ African Proverb

Most of my writings are about cooking, recipes, and their stories.  This post is not any different but only a different way of thinking today.  My mind has been so very full lately.  Worries about finances, taking care of my bed fast, elderly mom with Alzheimer's disease, going through a divorce currently, and wondering/worrying about my future and if i will or can ever be happy.  These thoughts come and go but are always with me.... and sometimes i feel like the person with all of these problems is not really me but someone else.  Denial at it's finest, i suppose.

Well, this morning, my 16 year old daughter asked me to make a dish i had completely forgotten about and had not made forever:  Gluten free German apple pancake, a delicious dish that melts in your mouth.  I dug out the recipe from a drawer and began to combine ingredients, alone in the kitchen with only the Pandora Internet music on.  I thought about how simple this recipe is...really only a few ingredients and yet so delicious.  Why had i not thought to make this more...and when was the last time i had cooked this for my daughter??  I thought about how much pleasure this dish gave  me by preparing it...and even more for my daughter who has Celiac Disease.  It's something really good that she enjoys eating and CAN eat. 

Later on in the day i was talking to a good friend on the phone.  He, a couple of weeks ago, bought a kayak for himself. I have to admit that i could not understand what the attraction was with a kayak!  The expense, the added expense of having to buy a rack to transport,.... and to go by yourself???    But then he said that when he is on the water, ...all else fades away.  His busy corporate world, people constantly needing him, never ending things he must do to please family and business contacts as well.  It is when he is the happiest.  Not just the lake or the kayak...but the peace and solitude it gives him. It is the time he needs to get his head back on in order to make it through another week.    And then, it occurred to me that my healing solitude is the cooking.  When i cook, everything goes away...if only for a meal.  I please myself and others...and have time to let things go away for a while so i can recharge.  Just like i didn't understand the kayak, some people don't understand my expensive kitchen cookware, tools, and even the many collections (even seasonal) of  dishes i own.  But it makes ME happy and helps me to make dining here a real experience.  If only for me.  'ME' is the important word here

 The African proverb hits the truth in all of us.  We each need something to make ourselves happy...to do for ourselves... for our sanity and mentality.  We all have 'bad travel companions' in our daily lives that act as vampires of our souls.  Being alone sometimes enables us to look at everything in a different way...to soak in the environment.  The sights, the smells, the sounds, and the simplicity of things that we would often be too busy to notice if we are in the company of others.  Enough said.

Here's the Gluten free German apple pancake picture and recipe.  Easy, enjoyable to make and eat.  And good for the mind as well!

Ingreds:
3-4 peeled and roughly chopped Granny Smith green apples
3-4 TBSP butter
4 eggs
3/4 C. milk
3/4 C. GF flour mix*
1/2 tsp salt
3/4 tsp vanilla
Cinnamon sugar (about 1/4 C. sugar and 1/2 tsp cin.)

Preheat oven to 400. In a glass 9X13 pan, melt butter in oven. Remove from oven and make sure butter coats bottom of pan. Spead chopped Apples over bottom of dish. Mix other ingreds (except for cinnamon sugar) and pour over apples. Sprinkle cin. sugar over top. Bake in oven for 20 mins. until puffed up and lightly browned. Serve with syrup, crisp bacon or sausages.  YUM!


*If gluten free is not required, regular flour can be used.




 
 

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

When You Fall (or in my case, get thrown) Off a Horse...

As the saying goes....you get back in the saddle and ride again.

It's been quite a while since i have blogged, mostly because of a time factor with too many things going on in my life.  My life is like a loose grenade and i never know what is going to happen next.  To put things in a nutshell and with as few details as possible, this is what has gone on the last year:

My 85 year old Mother who has althzeimer's disease and is bedfast lives with me and i am her caregiver.  (This is enough without going further!)

My marriage of 23 years has fallen apart and i am separated, on the verge of divorce.  By the way, he is an alcoholic (but won't admit that but WILL admit he has an 'issue' with alcohol) and his friends in the bar are more important than his family.

I began working a full time job last year in order to help with finances...but because of all the things going on in my life, had to quit so i could take care of ME and my family.

I have the burden of my mother's estate and her run down rental properties which i cannot sell because my adopted brother has his name on everything along with hers.  This is the same brother that drained my mother of all her money when she lived with him and he was 'caring' for her.  I am now in the process of legal advice to try to get things turned around for her.

Two months ago, an elderly woman (who my daughter and i were helping to find her lost cat) wandered onto my mother's property, next door to me, and fell into the drained pool and drowned in about 3 feet of water.  I found this out by waking to the Indianapolis news channel teams outside my house as they camped for hours to cover the 'story'.

Last month my father died of stage 4 cancer and even though i did not grow up with him, he was a prominent and stable father figure in my life.  I was devistated.  But at the same time, when i went to the services in NJ, i also met a huge italian family i had never really known i was a member of.  A real mixed bag of emotions for me.  Still is.

My youngest daughter is 16 and is having a tough time with alot of things right now (mostly with my husband and i), but also combined with normal 16 year old stuff.  I try hard but am not sure how to help her and i am mad/frustrated/angry that my husband barely comes to the house to see ANY of my girls.  I have two older girls as well, 19 and 20, both in college and home for the summer.  They seem to be handling things as well as they can.  Happily, my separation has brought me much closer to one of the girls and we are able to talk quite openly and honestly.  My other daughter just stays neutral and closed mouth about things, which is fine.  We all deal differently.

I have alot of worries about the future.  I am not too proud to say this whole 'being single' thing scares me.  I don't want to be alone and i want someone to love me the way i deserve to be loved.  I know i have alot to offer and should not have to 'sell myself' in order for anyone to WANT to be with me.  Nor should i be #2 in anyone's life....again.

The other things are very minor compared to the above.  Recently my doctor couldn't understand how i was 'hanging in there'.  I guess i can't either.  I take it one day at a time and try to keep a sense of humor about me.  I spend time outside and no longer look past the flowers and trees, but notice the shades of color and the way the leaves are shaped.  Sometimes all the crap and fucked up things can somehow make a person appreciate the smallest things that were once overlooked.

So, folks,  I'm still cooking and trying to enjoy as much as i can, when i can, and however i can....while dealing with all of the above.  I've been thrown off the horse for a while now....but i'm back in the saddle and i'll be writing more blogs and food stories.  Get ready for some good cooking!


Remember the little plant that came back from the dead?  (See my last blog post, New Beginnings of Hope)   Who knew this little guy would be teaching me a bigger lesson...and how ironic is this?  This is a picture i took just a few minutes ago.  What a survivor.  I think...i'm going to be OK.